I want to be a mother

Some days, okay almost every day, I have to remind myself I want to be a mother.  I want to be a mother. I want to be a mother.  Because I DO.  I chose this path because I wanted it and I knew that it was my divine calling.  And I am so blessed to have 3 children, especially when I know there are so many women out there that struggle with infertility.  Before becoming a mother, I thought I understood what it would be like, when really no one can truly prepare you for it. (especially being a mother of three- it's tough!) I'm going to be honest here when I tell you I don't think I let myself feel the joy of motherhood enough.  I let my inadequacies as a mom, my lack of discipline, the stress of the day to day accidents, messes, things to be done, and tantrums really take their toll on me.  I feel like I constantly have my stern face on and don't let loose enough and just laugh and dance and play with the kids! It's not that I'm sad or depressed really, it's more a run-down feeling both physically and emotionally. Yes, we do have some great moments through out the day.  But I need to make a choice to have those more often, and I know it's a choice.  I know every choice I make, like every choice my kids make, has consequences that affect my mood, and the way my day goes.  The way I act and react toward my children is affected by my choices. And although I can admit I make lots of good choices, there is always room for improvement. For example- choosing to get more sleep so I can get up earlier and get more done. Exercising & eating right to have more energy and feel good physically. Or the choices I make during my free time.

I have been thinking a lot the last few years about starting a business; a bakery, a craft business, an art center.  All of those ideas would probably would be rewarding and although I'm sure hard, would be fun too.  But I realized today why I've felt the pull to attempt starting a business.  Besides the financial benefits, I think it's because I feel it's something I could do well at.  (because I don't always feel like I do a good job as a mother, so it would help my self esteem) But I had this epiphany in the car today, that I've been approaching this all wrong.  If I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at mothering, the answer isn't to jump into something else I might be better at and continue to let my mothering skills suffer.  The answer is to put even more effort into what I'm struggling with.  It's like when I make Aiden practice his letters.  He doesn't want to because he struggles with it, but he will always struggle if he never practices, or gives up. Not that I'm saying I would ever give up.  They're my children, and I love them! I want to be a good mom, a great mom. But I won't get any better by giving into the stress, being a mommy monster  or just sitting on the couch at the end of the day eating myself into a sugar coma watching junky TV. I have to do something different than I've done before, or nothing will change.  But that's the hardest part. Having to change habits takes real work.  Doing the dishes right away so I can be free to play later with the kids isn't easy in the moment but I know would come with rewards later. Putting my whole effort into my children and becoming the kind of mother to them that I'd like to be would be so rewarding not just for me, but for them as well.   It will take improving my own discipline skills, spirituality, organizational skills, patience, consistency with them, and creativity.  So instead of stopping by The Chocolate for a brownie today, I'm choosing to write these thoughts down and then go do the things I need to do around the house so when Aiden gets home and the younger two wake up from naps, I'll be ready to spend quality time with them and make the rest of this day a happier one.  If I can just keep my choices and priorities straight, and rely on my Heavenly Father for help and guidance, I know I can get better at this.

I debated even sharing this, because it's actually kind of embarrassing to admit, but I'm sure I'm not alone.  Plus, it's therapeutic for me to get these thoughts out of my head and write down how I'm feeling. And maybe in some way, sharing my thoughts can help someone else going through something similar.